Squish
by Kimberly-A
Summary: Dan gains some weight, but it doesn't change how Phil sees him.


It had already been going on for a while the first time Phil mentioned it, but Dan had been avoiding the conversation as best he could. The shame was just too much.

It was a Wednesday, and he'd gone shopping, but had brusquely dismissed Phil's offer to come with him before running out the door and locking it quickly behind him. When he returned, he'd found Phil sitting on the sofa in the lounge with a serious expression on his face.

Dan, shopping bags in his hands, faced his friend and asked testily, "What?"

Phil sighed and brushed a hand along his fringe, tucking a bit behind his ear as was his nervous habit. "Could I talk to you for a minute?"

Dan looked away, then nodded reluctantly. How could he refuse Phil? "Let me put these bags in my room and I'll be right back."

In his room, he stiffened his spine, knowing what was coming. Phil was finally going to bring it up. Dan was dreading the conversation, but he'd known it would come eventually.

He went back out into the lounge and sat on the sofa, his jeans binding his waist painfully. Well, he'd be able to fix that as soon as they'd gotten this over with.

Phil didn't hesitate, looking very concerned. "Dan, I know something's wrong. You haven't been acting like yourself and you're just looking … unhappy. I'm worried the pills aren't working anymore."

Dan flinched. "Oh, they're working. Believe me, they're working plenty." It had been a month since Dan's doctor had recommended he give anti-depressants a try. He'd just been having a particularly hard time lately, and the pills had seemed to help. He was thinking about death less often, spending less time lying face down in the hallway feeling hollowed out and empty. But … the side-effects.

Phil was watching him, obviously concerned. "Then what's going on? You always like me to come with you when you go shopping, but today you really blew me off when I asked."

Dan gritted his teeth. Here we go. "I was going out to buy new jeans, okay?" he snapped. "Because these ones are too small now. Don't tell me you haven't noticed that I've gotten fat!" The doctor had cautioned him that the medication might cause him to gain weight, but he hadn't taken the warning seriously. What were a few pounds? He was no slave to society's beauty standards! So he'd been surprised at how much it bothered him when it happened.

Phil looked taken aback. "You've gained weight?"

Dan rolled his eyes. "Oh spare me! Like you hadn't noticed! I'm hideous!" He'd been avoiding wearing his fashionable shirts for the past few weeks, not wanting anyone to notice the changes. He couldn't hide the increased roundness of his face, of course, but baggy jumpers could hide his body at least. He was surprised no one had mentioned it in the live show chat yet.

Phil put a hand on Dan's arm and said gently, "I think you're being self-conscious, Dan. If you've gained weight, it really isn't noticeable. And even if it was, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, right? You'd still be you."

Dan pulled away from Phil's touch. "I make my living on the Internet, with people **looking** at me all the time. Of course it matters what I look like. Of course it matters if I get fat!"

Phil shook his head slightly, but Dan cut him off before he could say anything else. "Now if you don't mind I'm going to go change into some new jeans that aren't cutting off my fucking circulation," and he stormed out of the room.

* * *

Dan continued to gradually gain more weight over the next few weeks, but then the increase seemed to level out. He'd gained nearly 14 kg and he felt like a grotesque whale. Fans had finally noticed, and some had mentioned it in comments on his videos and in the live show chat. Some had even posted tweets calling him "fat." It made him cringe every time he saw that word.

To be fair, every time someone posted a comment or tweet like that, other fans jumped to his defense and said really nice things: compliments about his looks, arguments against judging people based on their weight, insistence that the difference was really minor, stuff like that. But it didn't stop him from feeling terrible about it.

He'd completely shifted his wardrobe now, focusing on camouflaging his body as best he could. He didn't want anyone to see. He thought about stopping taking the pills. He thought about it every day. Was it worth it? Was it **really** worth it? But he didn't want to go back to the pit of darkness he'd been in before the pills. So he kept taking them, but he hated his body more every day.

Phil watched him all the time, and it only made him more self-conscious. Phil said he was just worried that Dan might be getting depressed again, but Dan always snapped that he just wanted Phil to stop looking at him. He wanted **everyone** to stop looking at him.

He started canceling half his live shows, not wanting to see the weight-related comments in the chat, even if they were attempting to be reassuring. It was just evidence that everyone had noticed.

He'd never thought of himself as a vain person, but suddenly he just hated how he looked and found himself obsessively looking in the mirror, noticing every bit of pudge, hating the roundness of his face, stomach, and thighs.

Hating his body, he started to hate himself.

* * *

It was another couple weeks before Phil brought it up again. He was probably afraid to mention it after Dan's reaction the first time, but Dan couldn't bring himself to talk about the issue calmly. It just upset him too much.

It had been more than a month since Dan had uploaded a video to his main YouTube channel, and he had spent a couple of painful live shows pointedly ignoring questions and comments about his weight in the chat. He really didn't want to talk about it.

But Phil brought it up one evening when they were sitting down for dinner in front of the tv. Dan had started eating exclusively vegan again, hoping that the diet would help him lose some of the weight, but thus far it hadn't helped.

"The weight thing really bothers you that much?" Phil asked quietly, raising his fork to his mouth and chewing slowly, gesturing toward the small portion on Dan's plate.

Dan scowled. He considered not answering, but finally said, "Yeah. I know it shouldn't, that I'm just buying into stupid societal expectations and irrelevant beauty standards, but that only makes me feel worse. I feel like a whale **and** a hypocrite!" He took a bite of his food and wished there was some chicken in the veggie stir fry.

Phil continued eating for a long moment, then swallowed and looked Dan in the face. "You know you're still attractive, right?"

Dan blinked. Phil didn't usually say things like that. Well, he'd been very reassuring and encouraging when Dan was an insecure teenager, but that had been years ago. Phil hadn't commented on his appearance in a long time.

They hadn't turned the tv on, since Phil had started the conversation before they had the chance, but Dan turned it on now, going to Netflix streaming and putting on an episode of "Death Note" they'd both seen before. He didn't reply to what Phil had said … but he thought about it.

* * *

Dan had changed into track bottoms and the baggiest t-shirt he owned, ready to start winding down to try to get to bed at a decent hour, when Phil knocked on his door. The knock was tentative, as if Phil wasn't sure he should be bothering Dan, which made him feel bad for how he'd been treating Phil lately. He opened the door and saw Phil wearing his pyjamas and glasses, obviously also ready for bed.

Phil looked at the ground, then up into Dan's face, and said, "There's something I … well, I haven't told you … but I think maybe … now I should." He was blushing. What did Phil have to blush about? What was going on?

Phil straightened up a bit out of his habitual slouch and said firmly, "I'm attracted to you." He didn't quite meet Dan's eyes.

Dan blinked with surprise. "You're … attracted to me?"

Phil shifted from one foot to the other and looked down at the carpet, then looked up again and lifted his chin as if steeling himself. "I've been attracted to you since … well … remember those Nakedbooth photos?"

"That was years ago!"

Phil blushed an even brighter pink across his high cheekbones. "It's only gotten worse since then. I mean, I hardly knew you then, and … as I got to know you better … you only seemed even more … um … I mean…" He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing, then looked directly into Dan's eyes and said plainly, "You're gorgeous, Dan. Don't you know how gorgeous you are?"

Dan thought about the moments he'd spent looking in the mirror before changing into his sleepwear. He thought about his soft, pudgy stomach, his thick thighs, and he grimaced. "You can't mean that. Not the way I look now. If it was ever true, it's not true now."

Phil stepped closer, looking serious, and said firmly, "Yes now. I love how you look, Dan. I've been holding back from telling you, because I didn't want to make things awkward between us, but now I think you need to know. I'm telling you the absolute truth. I think you're beautiful. I don't expect you to … I'm not expecting anything to happen. Between us, I mean. I know you don't feel that way about me. But I've just seen how you've been lately, and it seemed so ironic, given how I feel, how I see you, how much I want to…" He gulped and looked away. "I just thought you should know."

"How much you want to … what?" Dan asked, biting his lip and watching Phil's face.

Phil had been looking at the floor in obvious embarrassment, but now he ran his eyes slowly up Dan's body until he met his eyes. "How much I want to touch you," he replied hesitantly. "How much I want to put my hands on you and feel your body." He looked away again. "How much I want to kiss you." He stepped away, further into the hallway, as if about to flee.

Dan stepped forward to meet him. "I've wanted that since I was 18," Dan admitted with a smile, and then lifted Phil's chin up to press their lips together gently. It wasn't a long kiss, just an expression of intention.

Phil's eyes were wide when Dan raised his head to look at him. "You really thought it was just you?" Dan asked, chuckling slightly. Phil nodded, seeming struck dumb. "I've been lusting after you since before we even met. Like you said, it only got worse when I got to know you and … it isn't just lust, you know. It's about **you**. I want **you**."

Phil found his tongue. "I want you, too."

Then Dan remembered what he'd looked like in the mirror just moments ago and shied away. "You can't want me, looking like this, though. I mean, you haven't seen me. I'm so ugly, Phil." He felt like he was going to cry, which only made him feel more embarrassed. He couldn't let Phil see him like this.

Phil frowned. "You could never be ugly. And your weight doesn't affect how attractive you are at all. I'm just as attracted to you now as I was when you were a skinny teenager."

Dan looked at the floor. "You don't mean that."

Phil stepped closer again and took Dan's face in his hands, catching his gaze and looking into his eyes with such obvious love that it nearly took Dan's breath away. "Let me show you how much I do mean it."

* * *

It was the slowest lovemaking Dan had ever experienced. Phil stroked his hands over every inch of Dan's body, not seeming to hesitate over any of the areas Dan found unattractive. He ran his hands reverently along Dan's shoulders and chest, his belly and legs, even his hands and feet. The only time Phil hesitated was when his hands reached toward Dan's neck. He looked a question at Dan, and Dan nodded slightly, giving Phil permission, and Phil stroked his fingers along the skin of Dan's neck, not too lightly—not lightly enough to tickle—just lightly enough to sensitize the skin and make Dan shiver. Dan closed his eyes tightly and arched his head back, giving Phil better access. He felt Phil's lips touch his throat, then just beneath his left ear, then felt Phil's breath in his ear as he whispered, "You have the most beautiful neck. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to kiss it." Then he followed his words with actions again, his tongue flicking out to taste the sweat beginning to gather on Dan's skin, and Dan moaned.

This started Phil's journey of kisses, his lips tracing all the skin he had already caressed with his hands. When he reached Dan's belly, Dan was torn between self-consciousness about the fat there and excitement at Phil's nearness to his cock. Phil pressed kisses to Dan's belly, not seeming turned off by it at all, and Dan relaxed a bit, biting his lip again as Phil moved lower and lower.

When Phil took his cock into his warm mouth, Dan moaned again, louder this time, arching his back with the pleasure. Phil's hands were stroking his hips and thighs as if he couldn't get enough of Dan, couldn't stop touching him, and with Phil's hands on his skin and Phil's mouth on his cock, Dan actually did feel beautiful. He felt desired and loved and lost himself in the attention Phil was lavishing on his body.

His eyes squeezed tightly shut, Dan groaned, "Oh god, yes. That's so good!" and he was writhing uncontrollably, his hips thrusting upward toward Phil's mouth though he tried to control himself, not wanting to choke Phil, not sure how experienced Phil even was with this particular act, though he did seem remarkably good at it. Dan's hands came down to rest on Phil's head, fingers twining into his short hair, and Phil moaned around Dan's cock in response.

Dan opened his eyes and looked down to watch Phil's head bobbing over him, Phil's hips thrusting against the mattress with his own urgent need. Suddenly, Phil froze and stiffened, groaning, the vibrations reverberating around Dan's cock, and Dan realized that Phil had come just from touching him and sucking him off. Any doubts he'd had about his own attractiveness vanished temporarily in that moment and he felt like a sex god, able to make someone as incredible as Phil come so easily, just from letting Phil touch him. He hadn't even gotten to touch Phil much yet—Phil had come just from enjoying Dan's own body.

A shiver passed through him head to toe, and Phil sucked at his cock again, causing Dan to shudder more strongly. "I'm close," he warned Phil breathlessly. "God … so close!" Phil's hands were wandering again, stroking every part of Dan's body he could reach as his lips and tongue worshipped Dan's cock. Panting, Dan tried to hold still, tried not to thrust, gripping the sheets tightly with his fingers as he didn't want to pull Phil's hair out by the roots in his desperation. "Oh Jesus," he groaned, overwhelmed by sensation, and then his whole body arched as he began to come in Phil's mouth. Eyes squeezed shut, toes curling, fingers clawing at the bed clothes, he came harder than he ever had in his life, and Phil drank him down without hesitation, continuing to suck until Dan collapsed limply onto the bed and whimpered with sensitivity.

Afterward, there wasn't a single thought in his head. Dan just lay spent and languid, eyes closed, body completely relaxed as Phil climbed up the bed to wrap him in his arms. He felt himself turned onto his side with Phil pressing up against his back, spooning him, his arm wrapping around Dan's waist, his hand resting warm on Dan's bare belly. In his exhausted state, Dan could only feel the weakest whisper of worry that Phil would feel fat there, but even that hint of self-consciousness fled at the realization that Phil wouldn't be holding him like that if he disliked Dan's body. Awareness of how Phil saw him soaked into his very bones and he smiled weakly, feeling himself begin to slip into a sated sleep.

* * *

In the morning, Dan woke to find that sometime in the night they had shifted position and he had become the bigger spoon, now pressed skin-to-skin against Phil's back. He thought back on the previous night and felt a surge of gratitude and love for Phil. Phil had taken such a big chance in telling Dan how he felt, a chance Dan himself had never had the guts to take.

He raised a hand and stroked it softly along Phil's pale shoulder and arm, then down to his waist and hip. Some might think Phil was skinny, he realized, but Phil's body seemed perfect to him, and he realized that the reverse might also be true.

Gently caressing Phil's skin as the other man slept on, Dan thought a moment, considering, and realized that, while he still didn't feel comfortable or happy with his body at its current weight, he did feel better. Knowing that Phil loved his body didn't fix everything, but it did help. He resolved to go shopping again to buy some more fashionable shirts to flatter his current size and not always hide behind the baggy jumpers. This time, he'd take Phil shopping with him.

The other man began to stir, and Dan knew he was waking to the soft caresses. Kisses would follow, and more, and the knowledge filled Dan with a happiness he hadn't felt in months.


End file.
